Just in time for the holidays, I present a list of ten “people” (in no particular order) that you don’t want to invite to Christmas dinner.
You might be wondering whether or not to invite that annoying uncle that no one likes, or that relative that just can’t seem to hold their alcohol without making a complete asshole of themselves, but just remember, it could always be worse. Now there’s some obvious answers like Hannibal Lecter or the Creeper, but who’s seriously going to invite a convicted murder/cannibal, or a creature that meticulously selects specific pieces of the human anatomy to consume for 23 consecutive days, to Christmas dinner? Obvious bad choice is obvious. No, it’s the quiet ones you have to watch.
Wishmaster: It might seem like a good idea to have the Wishmaster over with everyone’s list of Christmas wishes and all, but the last time he was invited to a dinner party it went something like this…
Seth Brundle: He’s a little eccentric maybe, (after all, it’s Jeff Goldblum) but certainly not a threat. Have you seen him lately though? He’s literally been climbing the walls, losing all his teeth, vomiting on people and melting their flesh, and if you turn your back for a second, he’ll eat all the goddamn dessert!
Mr. Fletcher: You’d think the owner of one of the most popular desserts (in this alternate, fictional world) seems like a great person to have over for Christmas dinner. He can bring over gallons of The Stuff, but if you’ve seen this shit when it makes it’s way back out, you might opt to rethink that, especially if you’re going to have a sugar junkie like Seth Brundle over! The potential of such a combination makes me shudder!
Jack: You might want meatloaf for dinner but not everyone will feel the same. Jack may be harmless, but he’s not very good for the appetite and if he’s hanging around, there’s a good chance one of the mofos at the table’s going to be asking for seconds, and you might not like what they’re hungry for.
Patrick Bateman: If you manage to survive his hour long monologues about Whitney Houston or Phil Collins, random interruptions to return videotapes, his obsession over comparing business cards—that’s bone—or his random outbursts of murderous intent, you may not survive what comes next.
Mum (Vera Cosgrove): Mum’s getting a little old and frail, but that’s no reason to exclude her from Christmas dinner, right? A little pus or an even ear in your meal from a decomposing old woman’s no big deal, right? It’s mum! No! Keep that old bitch locked away in the basement, or better yet, buried, where she belongs. Just keep her away from my goddamn pudding, whatever you do!
Colonel Ives: It’s cold out there and he’s just looking for a nice warm place to thaw out and grab a bite to eat. They were starving, ate the oxen, the horses, even the dog. He’s been through a lot, but turn your back on him and your entire family will end up in a pot of stew. Leave him outside to die, because you don’t want a supernaturally strong cannibal sitting next to mum.
Gizmo: He’s cute as f**k, cuddly, fun to shine bright lights on and seems to be the perfect pet, but the first time someone so much as spills their drink or leaves any snacks sitting out after midnight, you’re going to have a bunch of gremlins stringing the family dog up in Christmas lights and driving snow tractors through the front of your house.
Kane: Yeah, he seems fine. He’s awake, talkative and even has a healthy appetite, but he’s eating for two. Unless you want your dinner interrupted by an alien bursting from his chest and turning your house into a Giger painting by New Years, you might want to skip on inviting Kane.
MacReady and Childs: Unless you’re packing flamethrowers and are willing to do a blood test on everyone in your family, this is a bad idea. Besides, do you really want to take that chance, wait there a little while, see what happens?
Actually, MacReady might make a good Santa Claus…